Open Adoption: A Birthmom's Story: Eternal Family

Ok seriously, I have started this post and rearranged and restarted WAY too many times. I keep telling the story as if I'm talking to someone who knows all about the legalities of adoption. Which is a LOT! And most people reading this probably don't know all of that. So hopefully this will be the last restart! (For those who know about the legalities of adoption and the process of being sealed in the temple, feel free to skip to the starred paragraph!)

When a birthmom places a baby through most (if not all) adoption agencies, she is actually legally placing the baby with the adoption agency and not the adoptive family. The baby is with the adoptive family of course, but technically speaking, the baby's legal "guardian" is the adoption agency.

The main reason for this is to make sure that the adoptive family isn't abusing the baby or participating in any actions that the agency sees as unfit. This also allows the agency to stop by to check up on the family every so often and if anything were to go wrong, it would be very simple and easy for the agency to take the baby out of what they see as a potentially dangerous situation.

This process lasts for the first 6 months that the baby is with the adoptive family. Once that 6 months is over, the adoptive parents are 100% legal guardians of the baby. This is also the point where the family is able to legally change the baby's name and get sealed to the baby. Which brings me to the whole reason for making this post!

So let me talk about what it means to be "sealed" for anyone who might not know. When a couple gets married, generally the preacher or priest or whoever is marrying them will say "till death do you part" which means that marriage is only valid through life. Once you pass and go on to the "other side" you are no longer married. When a couple is sealed in the temple however, their marriage is throughout their lifetime AND throughout the eternities. That's why a lot of times in the LDS church/religion, you hear the terms "eternal marriage" or "eternal family" quite a bit.

When a couple is married in the temple, any children they have together are automatically under that sealing covenant. In the case of adoption however, the family has to go through the sealing process again to be sealed to their new baby.

When a sealing happens in the temple, not everyone is allowed inside to witness it. You have to be endowed. In order to be endowed, you have to be an active member of the LDS church and you have to talk to your bishop to determine whether or not you are ready and worthy to be endowed.

**So back to the story, we had all known from day one that at 6 months, Reese was going to get sealed to her new family. Something did manage to get in the way of this though. I hate admitting it but that something was me. They were able to be sealed in September. I was getting endowed in October. And like I said before, that means that I wouldn't have been able to go in the temple to see them get sealed because I wouldn't have been endowed for one more month. One lousy month!!

Steve and Jenny (the adoptive parents) called me when it was getting close to sealing time and asked me if I wanted them to wait until I was able to go. At that point I thought it kind of sucked that I missed it by a month but the important thing was that they were sealed. So they picked a date and everything was hunky dory!

That is, until I got a phone call from my mom the next day bawling crying because I wasn't going to be able to see the sealing. I told her that it was fine and that I told them to go ahead and do it. She seemed a little surprised that I was ok with that. The more and more we talked about it the more I started getting worried that once I went through the temple for myself, I would wish that I would've been there for the sealing and regretted not asking them to wait. Not only that but it hurt my feelings a little bit that they didn't just want to wait in the first place.

So all of this was going through my head for a couple days and finally I decided to tell them how I was feeling. It was EXTREMELY awkward to talk about for me because I had literally just told them less than a week earlier that I was totally fine with them going ahead and doing it. But of course they were more than happy to wait. Even after talking to them about it though I still felt awkward about the situation when I would talk or even think about it.

I decided to ignore all that awkwardness and just let it be. A couple weeks went by and they started looking at their schedules for October to make a sealing date. Unfortunately they came to find, there was just no more time they were able to set aside for the sealing. They already had a trip to California and a 6 day cruise to the Caribbean both that same month. That added even more awkwardness to my already huge pile of awkward as far as the sealing went. But at that point, there was nothing I could do.

I want to say about 3 weeks after I got endowed, Nick and I went to do a session at the temple. I remember walking in and saying "this is where Reesey is gonna get sealed to her mommy and daddy!" The session went great and when it was finally time to leave, we headed to get some food.

That's when I finally checked my phone. I had quite a few texts and a missed call. I checked the missed call first which was from Shelly, Reese's aunt. Then I checked the texts and the first one I saw was also from Shelly. It said something along the lines of "give me a call when you get the chance."

So I called her back thinking maybe she was wanting to set up a double date or something, because we had talked about doing that a few weeks prior. Well those excited feelings of possibly hanging out with her and Brandon were quickly turned to probably the absolute worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. She spoke slowly to let me take in everything a little at a time. "Something has happened and I think you should know....I consider you a part of our family and I know Steve and Jenny do too. Steve and Jenny were mugged the last day of their cruise...they were in Nassau...Jenny was drug off their scooter and is beat up pretty bad........Steve was stabbed in the back."

I'm literally sobbing as I write that. Nowhere near as bad as I was while those words were coming from Shelly's mouth though. I can honestly say I don't think I have ever cried as violently as I did as soon as we got off the phone. Nick pulled the car over and asked me what was going on. I tried telling him but I was crying and shaking so hard I could barely breathe let alone speak.

I had so many emotions going through me. Steve had just been STABBED. I didn't know how bad it was, if he was gonna die, or what the deal was. And the thought of anyone hurting my Jenny......I am still at a loss for words on that one. Probably because words can't even begin to describe how I feel about her. This woman means more than the world to me and the thought of someone hurting her in any way shape or form, no matter how bad....it absolutely sickens me. I mean it literally made me sick to my stomach.

On top of that I was mad. Here we went through all of this crap with the adoption to make sure that my baby girl was with the mommy and daddy Heavenly Father had planned for her to be with and now what? Not even 8 months later and they're gonna be taken away from her? Why Lord, would you put us through all of that for nothing? Not only that, but what about Ashley? She just lost her brother 2 years ago and now her parents lives were being threatened? I can't even imagine the pain she would feel to lose that much family at such a young age in such a short period of time and with a brand new adopted baby sister. Why would a "loving" God make such an amazing family endure so much??

More than anything though, I was mad at myself. They should be sealed already. But because of me, they aren't. The real meaning of the sealing power all of a sudden was crashing down on my head. Before, I was more concerned about ME regretting not being there later on. I was concerned that they didn't want ME there enough to want to wait. I was concerned with everything but the people that it actually directly affected. I was so disgusted with myself that I could be so selfish to these amazing beyond amazing people. Who did I think I was telling them to put off being sealed to THEIR daughter?? Disgusted doesn't even do any justice in explaining how I felt about myself at that point.

On top of all of that, I had always felt extremely awkward about the whole sealing topic as soon as they decided to change the date to accommodate me. I pushed those feelings away and ignored what I didn't at the time realize was the still small voice trying to teach me the true importance of sealing. I should've known better.

Communication with them wasn't easy. The muggers had stolen their backpack with Steve's phone and wallet and all the pictures they had of the past 6 days on their cruise. They had some communication with their daughter Ashley and parents and whatnot who then relayed the updates to the rest of the family.

Jenny had been wearing just a swimsuit and a cover up and had road rash pretty much head to toe from being drug across the concrete by not one, but two men. Steve's stab wound had punctured his lung and he would possibly need surgery. I was still extremely upset about them even laying a finger on Jenny but this was the point that I started to get really worried about Steve. I did NOT like the idea of him getting surgery in Nassau. However because of the condition of his lung he wasn't able to fly back to the U.S. right away because of the change in pressure his lung would have to endure at the higher altitudes.

Before I continue with the rest of the story, let me just take a minute to recognize how much I know NOW that Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing through all of this. I had been blaming Him and wondering how on earth could He put this amazing family through more than they had already been through. Once I took a minute to look at the big picture though, it was so humbling to see just how much Heavenly Father was looking out for them. It just so happens that Jenny had taken a self defense class only TWO MONTHS prior. She felt that these two men were trying to drag her into the car and take her, which is not an uncommon thing in that area. Jenny is in no way shape or form a manly woman or even a big woman. She's actually pretty petite, but yet because of that self defense class, she was able to fight off two full grown men all on her own. Steve was away from all of this having a bit of a dispute, I guess you could say, with yet another guy. The police said this was one of the most aggressive muggings they've seen in the area. But they were still able to fight them off. They also said they were very lucky because these type of men generally have guns and aren't afraid to kill. There were some near by houses that could hear Steve and Jenny screaming and fighting against these men and called the police. Their yelling "I'm calling the police" is what Steve and Jenny think may have scared the men off. And it just so happens that all of this took place in an LDS church parking lot. There isn't a doubt in my mind that there were angels there that day protecting them from what could've been much worse of an incident.

Eventually they were flown to the hospital in Florida and stayed there for a few nights. Steve had a roommate that we'll call T who had jumped off of a building in order to escape from being stabbed and severely broke his leg. I won't share too much of this story because I don't know how personal it may or may not be. But Steve and Jenny were able to turn a horrid situation into an opportunity to share the gospel with T and create an awesome friendship. It is truly amazing hearing the story of the experience they had with him.

Ultimately, everything turned out great. Steve healed well and didn't end up needing surgery and they were finally able to come home after what seemed like forever. I went to their house to see them and I remember being shocked to see how fast Steve was walking to answer the door. I expected him to be sore and moving slowly but nope! He was moving as if nothing had happened! Jenny had some visible scabs on her arms and hands. They had some other family over and were telling the story for what was I'm sure the millionth time. It actually bugged me a bit to hear details. I didn't like what they had been through and the more I was able to visualize it, the more sick I got. Although it did help to hear them laughing and joking about it.

They ended up having the sealing on November 23, 2013. I sat on about the third or so row. I felt selfish sitting right up front. That was until Shelly asked if I wanted to sit up front and I definitely didn't oblige! We waited a while and finally Reese was brought in the room. The first instant I saw her I got a bit teary eyed. Not because I was sad that she was about to be eternally "not mine" though. She was so beautiful in her stark white little baby temple dress and more than anything I just loved seeing my baby girl and her family loved by so many people. And I loved seeing her in the house of the Lord. That is exactly the reason I had chose adoption in the first place. This was the kind of life I wanted for her. And to see it in action just melted my heart.

I didn't cry at all during the sealing. Shelly next to me however was another story! (Love you Shelly!!) I was actually really surprised that her crying didn't make me cry though because that's usually how it works for me. At one point during the sealing, Reese looked me dead in the eyes and just smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen. That smile couldn't have possibly been at any better point in her entire life. I felt as if she was thanking me for making sure she got to spend eternity with the people who were not only meant to be her family, but the people who had always been her family.

This experience taught me so much. First off, I realized that it's not about me. Just because I'm Reese's birthmom does not mean that I will necessarily be able to be involved with everything that happens in her life, big or small. Secondly, being sealed is not about the ceremony. It's about what the ceremony does. It joins a family for time and all eternity. THAT is what it's about. Not who can witness it. Thirdly I realized, the Williams' didn't NOT want me at the sealing. They simply understood the point of being sealed. It was me that didn't understand.

I am so incredibly thankful for my Williams' including all of their extended family and friends. I am so appreciative that they thought about me in such a family oriented crisis. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father was watching over Steve and Jenny during all of this craziness. I am so thankful for the example that they set for me during this. They taught me that you can turn any situation, no matter how bad, into an uplifting experience and to never be afraid to share the gospel with anyone. I'm so thankful for the testimony I have developed of the sealing power because of this experience. But more than anything I am thankful to have my Williams' safe and home with their ETERNAL FAMILY.